Old photos...

Many of us don't have alot of pictures from our "larger" days. I never wanted anything documented to show how big I had become, or to actually have to acknowledge the fact that I let my weight get so out of control. But I felt out of control. I felt powerless to stop. I mean, who wants to be obese? In my messed up mind I guess I felt that if I didn't have any pictures that showed me "large and in charge", then that period of my life didn't exist. Case in point...I have yet to get any wedding pictures made from our marriage, almost 5 years ago. #1 - I was about 205-210 when we were married. My hubby met me at 164. I don't like any of the pictures. Not enough to want them displayed in my home. I bought a dress that I thought would look nice and not make me look so big. But it never did fit correctly and I was still ashamed of how I looked. How sad it that? I said "Yes to the dress" not because I was in love with it and thought "this is it", but because it would be appropriate and hopefully hide my excesses.

I took my niece's wedding dress back to her parents on Sunday and kidded her that I might try it on. She was fine with it since she said she needs to get it cleaned and preserved. So, what the hell, I did. And you know what? IT FIT! It was exactly the way I would have wanted to look at my wedding. We were at my parents home when my sis wanted me to try it on, so I did and she ended up taking my picture a few times in the dress. Then Mom & Dad had to see me, then hubby and my brother in law. Jeesh! But I have to say what a wonderful feeling to get the chance to see myself in such a beautiful gown the way it should have been 5 years ago. My niece has given me a wonderful gift in allowing me to try on her dress. More then she will ever understand. God love her...

One great weekend...

The whole family was in for my beautiful goddaughter's wedding. Typical hot, humid, sunny July weekend. Friday night was the rehearsal with the dinner at the golf course and Saturday was the big day. It was great to see my sister's family all come in. My godson's wife is 28 weeks along and just glowing with anticipation for their first child to arrive. Her youngest is enjoying his 10 month old son, Danny, who is just a joy...rarely cries and squeals with delight. He's is growing so fast.

My youngest nephew is off to the Peace Corps in September so every moment with him these days holds that much more meaning. He is truly a wonderful kid with a great personality and a quiet ambition to help others. And Brad and his wife are doing so well and seem very happy. But this was Ashley's big day and she is the only niece on my side, so she holds that special place in our family. Ashley grew up a block away from me so I always felt pretty close to my brother's kids, seeing them as much as I did and going to most of their sporting events (the triple header basketball games were killers). She is a truly wonderful person with a bubbly and outgoing personality that really rubs off on you. And a beautiful bride to boot.

The day went way too fast, and the weekend far too short. But here are a few pictures of my amazing sister and I, a picture of the gorgeous bride and lastly a photo of 3 of the most important women in my life. I am so blessed to have them along for the ride!

What are you?

I got my newsletter from Katie Jay today, and she touched on some things that really ring true for me. I have reprinted it below for all of you...

This week, I want to remind us all about the psycho-logical fare we require on our journey. Because no matter how well we know what we are supposed to do physically, if we can't get ourselves to do it, we aren't going to get very far.

Deep down, most of us know these things need to be addressed, but sometimes we avoid them out of fear or a dislike for discomfort. Still, if we don't consider the truth about long-term recovery, if we don't know what the target looks like from a "mindset" perspective, how can we get there?

Many of the world's great faiths and philosophies teach us that mindset matters. Most of us have heard the verse from the Bible, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

So, here is my top five list of psychological considerations that most of us will need to face on our journeys to peace with food and our bodies:

1. On a long, arduous journey, getting help is not optional -- it's essential.

You'll need a good map, provisions, an emergency kit, a safe place to rest, sustenance, help overcoming obstacles, and insight and encouragement from those who have already made the journey.

2. When your brain chemistry is working against you, your journey will be longer and more challenging, if not impossible.

Knowing where you're going, and having your provisions, won't help if you're too depressed to get up in the morning, or too anxious to move forward. Sometimes medication and/or therapy are needed to help you stay focused and to give you the mental and emotional strength you need to stay on your path.

3. You harbor beliefs that will hold you back, so you'll need to take responsibility for rethinking and replacing the beliefs that don't serve your highest good.

Old beliefs can keep you locked in a story you tell yourself about the journey. Beliefs like, "I can't control my eating," "If I lose too much weight, I will become promiscuous," "Your time and needs are more important than mine," "You are an adult, but I can't trust you to take care of yourself -- so, I am doing it for you," "Exercise is too much work," "I can't live without chocolate," "I don't deserve to succeed," "If I lose too much weight, I'll lose my friends."

4. To create a new you (a you who can withstand the challenges of the journey), you have to be fully present for the planning and implementation process.

When you engage in escapist activities; i.e., overeating, drinking alcohol, gossiping, staying too busy, people pleasing (focusing always on others); you are not present with your own thoughts and feelings -- you're not available to support and encourage your new self.

Learning to tolerate being present with your
uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is the only way you can learn to shift away from discouraging or counterproductive thoughts and become more accepting of your entire emotional palette.

5. To find your truth, your success, your peace ... you have to head toward Reality. Anything else you desire, you'll seek, but never find.

I've heard it put many ways, but the bottom line is the truth WILL set you free -- it is the key ingredient in your recipe for WLS success. You just can't solve a problem if you don't know what it really is.

Counting calories doesn't cure depression and eating protein will not keep you from over-focusing on other people's needs. When we refuse to see the truth, we stumble in the darkness.

Many of us tell ourselves a story about why we are the way we are, but those stories may or may not be based on reality. The process of finding your truth is a critical part of your journey.

WLS is not the easy way out. But there are many ingredients you can add to your WLS recipe to gently move through the psychological, emotional, and social issues that arise as you cook up your yummy life.

Over the next five weeks, I'll discuss each of these five psychological considerations in greater depth.

From Small Bites, the email newsletter for the National Association for Weight Loss Surgery. Subscribe today and get your F'REE report, How to Regain-proof Your Weight Loss Surgery at www.NAWLS.com. (c) 2010 National Association for Weight Loss Surgery, Inc. All rights reserved.

So that brings me to my question? Are you the people pleaser? the busy bee? the gossip? What do or have you done as an escape activity in the past or now?

This is perhaps the hardest part of the journey. Finding your true self. I would rather talk about what I did than tell you my true feelings about it. I am guilty of not being present with my own thoughts and feelings. What the hell am I afraid of?

Reflecting...

I've been looking at pictures from 2007, when my sis and I went to Vegas for a girls getaway. One of the more heavier moments in my life, at least in digital form. The only great thing about the plane ride was I got a first class ticket from Atlanta to Vegas due to cancellation, and then being bumped. I was supposed to meet my sister in MSP and fly out together. But I ended up in Atlanta, she ended up in Memphis, and we met in Vegas. All in all it was a great time, except when I look back and see just how BIG I looked back then. The other pic was taken about a month ago. I'm pretty much the same weight give or take a lb or two. Thank you my lovely lap band! I remember having a really hard time getting the seat belt fastened from Dayton to Atlanta, but I'll be damned if I was going to ask for an extender!

It just boggles my mind that I never could see exactly how I looked when I was heavier. Only when I got pictures taken and even then it didn't completely register. I struggle with that now, but it's getting better. Now I'm comfortably in a 10 and still feel like I need to lose about 10 lbs to look good. But the 10 sure beats a tight 28 anyday!

I've been trying to keep a journal of my eating and exercise the past couple of weeks, during the week. Then the holiday came around and 2 weeks of hard work went out the window. I started back in the mode again on Tuesday only to come home to homemade mac and cheese my hubby made me for supper. I just cringed. He just doesn't get that I try to refrain from as much as I can from pasta, breads and sugar and have asked him not to being chips home, but he does it anyway as a reward. It just feels like sabotage even though I know he's trying to be supportive. Unfortunately, he is a foodie and looks forward to every meal. Me, I've kind of lost the thrill of it all. Don't get me wrong. I love to eat. But I want to get off the last couple of lbs and stay there. I don't want it to take a year to get there.

Anyway, I did do a complete workout at the "Y" tonight since it's so darn hot out. Tomorrow - 94 degrees. And on the East, even worse. Some friends of ours wanted us to go to the Country Concert in Fort Loramie tomorrow night but we managed to bow out of that. Been there, done that many times over and the heat and humidity and crowd is not for me. I would be a wet noodle before I even got to the concert area. Besides, Brooks & Dunn aren't there due to illness, so they scrambled and got Hank Jr and Joe Nichols instead. Seen Hank years ago, wasn't that greatly impressed.

Not much cooking for the weekend. Picking up my bike at the bike shop Friday so I can add in some different exercise. And hopefully eat better since I'm going to try and limit the eating out this weekend. We went to a pool party on Monday which was wonderful! 2 other couples, both long time friends and on such a hot day - perfect! Nothing like lying on a floatie drinking a cold beverage in 90 degree heat. Now I want to be a hillbilly and stick a floatie in our hot tub and turn off the heat so I can feel the same way I did at the pool. mmm....