Monday, November 23, 2009

Head games...

The journey...the weight loss journey. Sometimes I feel like it's in my head every waking minute. On many levels, it helps to keep my mind on the right track to read other people's blogs and get on the forums and go to support groups and talk with my sister and sister-in-law about our mutual friend, the band. But there are times when I just want to "check out" a bit and concentrate on something else. Maybe putting my focus on the 12 people we will have over for Thanksgiving will help. With 3 of us being banded, it's more like 10 people since the 3 of us will eat about as much as 1 person.

As I mentioned before, the compliments are always great to hear, but a little uncomfortable when people start asking too many questions. I went over to Mom & Dad's last night to check up on them and the first thing is "turn around - let me see you" from Mom and from Dad "oh, your face is getting so thin, don't lose any more weight". I'm sorry but I'm really close to telling them that my weight and how I look are going to be off limits from now on. Alot of my weight issues stem from my childhood and how I perceive myself due to my parents (and others) comments. I've always been a people pleaser and for some reason never felt like I was "good enough" in the eyes of my parents, especially my father. I was always too fat or too thin or I should do this or do that. You would think at 45 years old those comments would just brush right off, but they don't - they still affect me. Apparently at 183 lbs, I'm getting too thin in my father's eyes. What!??! I just got out of the obese BMI range, I'm wearing 16's and XL's mostly and I'm too thin? And what does my face have to do with it? Geez. It's amazing how those little offhand comments really seem in your brain like they were shouted from the rooftops.

We had our support group meeting last Tuesday and it is such a great group of women. A small group, 5 or 6 usually now, but very supportive and inspiring. I leave the meeting each month with a renewed sense of purpose to lose the weight I want to lose. A local family doctor who is kind enough to allow us to meet in his reception area after work hours stayed around for our meeting and spent and hour and a half with us trying to understand our weight issues and frustrations. He is really interested in trying to heal the whole person and thought he could better counsel his patients who come to him with weight issues if he could really get an insight into our problems with food and how the band is helping us resolve those issues and how it has changed our outlook on food among other things. There was a lady there for the first time who spoke about getting banded at 450 lbs and is now around 230 lbs and she was so amazing to listen to and her personality and upbringing was something to be celebrated. I can't imagine growing up without being judged by your parents and allowed to follow whatever path you decided to choose in life and given that opportunity. She said she never allowed her weight to keep her from doing whatever she wanted in life. When she was 400 lbs, if she wanted to dance, she danced. If she wanted to do anything, she just did and had a kind of "damn the torpedoes" kind of mentality.

Growing up in a small town, hell I always liked to think I didn't give a shit what people thought of me, but when it came right down to it, I did alot of things because of what others thought of me, or what I thought they would think of me. I was the exact opposite of her. I didn't dance when I was 300 lbs, I didn't want to see the disapproving looks or hear the snide comments, so I didn't put myself out there. I sure as hell didn't get into a swimsuit, so a beach vacation was not something I really was ever interested in. My weight kept me from doing alot of things I would have liked to do, and now that I'm getting fairly close to my goal, I find it kind of ironic that when I was at my heaviest, I did my best to try and "blend in". And now, I'm doing the same thing. One of the reasons I wanted the lap band surgery was just to blend in. To be normal. To have my weight be a non-issue. But it seems when I run into people I haven't seen in awhile, it's having just the exact opposite response. On one hand, yes the compliments are great to hear, and on another, it makes me feel like I'm not doing what I want to do and that is "blend in". It's kind of messing with my mind right now. Not that I've fallen off the wagon or anything, I just find myself limiting the places I go so I don't run into people right now while I feel the way I do. It's getting back enough that everytime I see my family or my in-laws I'm hearing about it, but it's like "enough already". I just don't want my weight to define who I am. And the more I hear the comments, the more it validates that feeling that I am what I weigh. And that doesn't sit well with me.

On a lighter note, my sister is coming for Thanksgiving this year...the first time since her kids were little. Since they are both out of the house now, they decided to come for the holiday weekend. I'm really glad I'm going to be able to spend some time with her. She "gets it" - especially what I'm going through now. We are doing the whole traditional turkey, ham, and all the trimmings. I made a turtle cheesecake to go with the pumpkin pie and sugar cream pie for the desserts. (a sample of which is still in my freezer from over 6 weeks ago! - not a tempation at all). I've got a major list of things I want to get done before Thursday that should keep my busy right up until they all get to our house. It's a whole day of cooking, games, TV, and enjoying each other's company.

So for all of you out there, I hope you have a very very HAPPY THANKSGIVING and are able to spend some time with your loved ones. If you choose to indulge, remember a little goes a long way, and most importantly, enjoy the precious moments you have with everyone and take lots of pictures.

And - thanks again for letting me vent.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Some days are stone...

Not much of an eventful weekend. Friday DH and I went to a local chicken fry and then home by 6:30 pm. Whew Whew! Saturday we got up really early and were out the door by 6:30 for some shopping. Ended up running into several of my friends at the mall so that was fun. Picked up 2 pairs of boots and 1 pair of shoes and a LARGE Columbia jacket. Yep, that's a large, not XL, just an L. Felt so good! By the afternoon, it was back to watching the Buckeye's beat Iowa and then we were supposed to go to a retirement party for one of DH's old work buddies, but DH felt really crappy so we stayed home. A baby shower yesterday for one of our nephew's along with a walk at the praire in the morning and that was the extent of our weekend. Oh, and I must confess that we stopped in Covington at the market at the Marathon gas station (Harvest House?) - can't remember the name, but they have the absolute BEST sugar cream pie! Had to get a piece after the hike and before we spent 2 hours raking leaves around the house. Believe me - we worked it off.

Today I had a meeting with all the big wigs at my workplace about the health plan which I had been agonizing about over the weekend. Gave them my recommendations about changing administration, networks and Rx service and keeping the current stop loss contract (even though is was a 48% increase!) and they agreed it was the best course of action. And then it was letting all the parties involved know about the decision which was tough because through no fault of their own, our TPA of 12 years is losing our business and I will miss their professionalism and performance. It all comes down to the $$$ and what's best for not just the company, but the members of the plan too. And I look at it like if it was my money, it was the choice I would have made, so I'm okay with the decision. Now the difficult work begins...

Tomorrow night is our monthly support group meeting for our local bandsters. A local physician is going to join us and try and get into our heads a little bit. He may get his eyes opened!

Being from a small town, I'm starting to get alot of questions and comments about my weight. Lots of compliments, but some flat out questions about how am I losing all that weight and what are you doing type questions. My neighbor even shouted at me across the street on Sunday as we were raking leaves and wondered how I was losing weight (like I was going to shout - I HAD SURGERY!) For some people I choose to share the info, for others that are just being nosy and don't need to know - I just try and avoid the answer. They'll probably find out eventually anyway as nothing in small town America is ever a secret. Not that I'm ashamed of it, I'm not...I just don't feel like I have to explain myself to people I don't feel that particularly close to.

How do you all answer those type of questions? Do you have any great come-backs? I could use some - or even an artful way to dodge the question would be great. I'm open to any suggestions!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Beautiful Weekend...

What a beauty! Temps in the 60's during the day, sunny and mild. Friday night we met up with friends at my favorite pizza place, Bud's, and had fun. Then over to the Wooden Shoe for a nightcap. Yesterday, hubby and I went to Stillwater Prairie Reserve and hiked and kicked up 2 deer along the path. And today, Jerry & Michelle came down and we went to Yellow Springs/Clifton Gorge area. Had to eat the pumpkin pancakes at the Sunrise Cafe, along with a Kobe beef, goat cheese and wild mushroom omelet. Then a long, long hike along the Gorge on a beautiful early afternoon. The boys had to go back to Yellow Springs and grab a beer at Peach's Grill and watch a little bit of the Bengals game. And wouldn't you know it, walking out we are standing outside waiting for Michelle to come out and here comes Dave Chapelle driving up in his new brand new black Land Rover. You know, Comedy Central....Dave Chapelle Show? Yea that one. He has a farm in the Yellow Springs area, but we never dreamed we would ever see him there. Not that we were really looking. Just doing the hiking thing and taking in the eclectic atmosphere of Yellow Springs. So, it was pretty cool seeing him for a short moment anyway. Hate to stalk the celebs.

The scale is moving this week which is always a great thing. I have to admit the weight loss has been much easier for me than alot of people. Don't know why, but believe me I'm not complaining one bit.

Hope everyone enjoyed their wonderful weekend. There are probably so few left around here, so I'll grab everyone I can get!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Time flies...

Wow, I just realized I haven't posted in awhile. Work has been abolutely crazy with alot of time spent at my workstation and playing IT guru to others. It seems the last thing I want to do at night is get out the laptop. Thanks for all the nice comments about the pics. I'm not much of a pic person but I'll try to do better.

Our company bowling outing went well...and I'm glad it's over. This year went off without a hitch and it seemed like everyone had a great time. Lots of prizes and food so all were happy. I boned up on my CPR skills and got recertified for 2 years. My SIL had lap band surgery 8 days ago and is doing well. But the first words out of her mouth afterwards was that "this is a little more involved than it thought!" Uh, yeah it is. You just wait! But seriously, she seems to be hanging in there and is on full liquids right now. So that means my sister and SIL are banded as well as myself. There has to be a good moniker out there for that! Help me out!

My uncle from FL/OH (snowbird) passed away last week and his service was Saturday. It had been 16 years since I've seen his kids (my cousins)...since Grandma passed away. Wow. 4 out of 5 of them I had to introduce myself because they couldn't figure out who I was. Really? I didn't think I changed that much. But in all honesty, I tend to change my hairstyle and the color quite frequently so maybe that was part of it too. I told my hubby if my one cousing didn't have long blonde hair parted in the middle and tucked behind her ears, I would be amazed. And sure enough...the style is still the same. It was been the same hairstyle she has had HER WHOLE LIFE! Where's the adventure? Where's the mystique? It was a sad service and I had trouble getting through it. Not because I was particularly close to my uncle or aunt (hadn't seen them since our wedding over 4 years ago), but because I knew the next time I saw any of them again would probably another funeral. How sad.

Work has been amazingly stressful the past 2 weeks as I am getting quotes for our health plan. We have a self-funded plan whose stop loss carrier just informed us that our rates are increasing 48%! SHIT! I've been entertaining quotes from 3 other brokers on top of the broker/TPA we currently use and the pushy aggressive sales pitch doesn't really work with me. I want results and not lip service. I just agonize over the decision to change plans that affect 350 participants on the plan. It really is hard to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the participants. And as far as the health care bills running through the House and the Senate right now? I sure hope they figure out how to make it affordable to employers...otherwise employers like mine (with participants with major health issues) will no longer be able to afford coverage for their employees, or even be able to get quotes if they don't have a guaranteed renewal contract. We also have some IT stuff going on with a new ERP type system and new workstations that are taking up alot of my time. And this is on top of my regular responsibilities. Where's the Calgon when you need it?

But a bright spot had been the hubby lately. He's been leaving me alot of notes and treats lately. Today, apparently I am the sunshine of his and Stuey's (the cat) life today. And then there is the p.s. of "good luck with that impacted turd". Damn, shouldn't have told him that I've been constipated. Isn't he just the funny guy?