Old photos...

Many of us don't have alot of pictures from our "larger" days. I never wanted anything documented to show how big I had become, or to actually have to acknowledge the fact that I let my weight get so out of control. But I felt out of control. I felt powerless to stop. I mean, who wants to be obese? In my messed up mind I guess I felt that if I didn't have any pictures that showed me "large and in charge", then that period of my life didn't exist. Case in point...I have yet to get any wedding pictures made from our marriage, almost 5 years ago. #1 - I was about 205-210 when we were married. My hubby met me at 164. I don't like any of the pictures. Not enough to want them displayed in my home. I bought a dress that I thought would look nice and not make me look so big. But it never did fit correctly and I was still ashamed of how I looked. How sad it that? I said "Yes to the dress" not because I was in love with it and thought "this is it", but because it would be appropriate and hopefully hide my excesses.

I took my niece's wedding dress back to her parents on Sunday and kidded her that I might try it on. She was fine with it since she said she needs to get it cleaned and preserved. So, what the hell, I did. And you know what? IT FIT! It was exactly the way I would have wanted to look at my wedding. We were at my parents home when my sis wanted me to try it on, so I did and she ended up taking my picture a few times in the dress. Then Mom & Dad had to see me, then hubby and my brother in law. Jeesh! But I have to say what a wonderful feeling to get the chance to see myself in such a beautiful gown the way it should have been 5 years ago. My niece has given me a wonderful gift in allowing me to try on her dress. More then she will ever understand. God love her...

One great weekend...

The whole family was in for my beautiful goddaughter's wedding. Typical hot, humid, sunny July weekend. Friday night was the rehearsal with the dinner at the golf course and Saturday was the big day. It was great to see my sister's family all come in. My godson's wife is 28 weeks along and just glowing with anticipation for their first child to arrive. Her youngest is enjoying his 10 month old son, Danny, who is just a joy...rarely cries and squeals with delight. He's is growing so fast.

My youngest nephew is off to the Peace Corps in September so every moment with him these days holds that much more meaning. He is truly a wonderful kid with a great personality and a quiet ambition to help others. And Brad and his wife are doing so well and seem very happy. But this was Ashley's big day and she is the only niece on my side, so she holds that special place in our family. Ashley grew up a block away from me so I always felt pretty close to my brother's kids, seeing them as much as I did and going to most of their sporting events (the triple header basketball games were killers). She is a truly wonderful person with a bubbly and outgoing personality that really rubs off on you. And a beautiful bride to boot.

The day went way too fast, and the weekend far too short. But here are a few pictures of my amazing sister and I, a picture of the gorgeous bride and lastly a photo of 3 of the most important women in my life. I am so blessed to have them along for the ride!

What are you?

I got my newsletter from Katie Jay today, and she touched on some things that really ring true for me. I have reprinted it below for all of you...

This week, I want to remind us all about the psycho-logical fare we require on our journey. Because no matter how well we know what we are supposed to do physically, if we can't get ourselves to do it, we aren't going to get very far.

Deep down, most of us know these things need to be addressed, but sometimes we avoid them out of fear or a dislike for discomfort. Still, if we don't consider the truth about long-term recovery, if we don't know what the target looks like from a "mindset" perspective, how can we get there?

Many of the world's great faiths and philosophies teach us that mindset matters. Most of us have heard the verse from the Bible, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

So, here is my top five list of psychological considerations that most of us will need to face on our journeys to peace with food and our bodies:

1. On a long, arduous journey, getting help is not optional -- it's essential.

You'll need a good map, provisions, an emergency kit, a safe place to rest, sustenance, help overcoming obstacles, and insight and encouragement from those who have already made the journey.

2. When your brain chemistry is working against you, your journey will be longer and more challenging, if not impossible.

Knowing where you're going, and having your provisions, won't help if you're too depressed to get up in the morning, or too anxious to move forward. Sometimes medication and/or therapy are needed to help you stay focused and to give you the mental and emotional strength you need to stay on your path.

3. You harbor beliefs that will hold you back, so you'll need to take responsibility for rethinking and replacing the beliefs that don't serve your highest good.

Old beliefs can keep you locked in a story you tell yourself about the journey. Beliefs like, "I can't control my eating," "If I lose too much weight, I will become promiscuous," "Your time and needs are more important than mine," "You are an adult, but I can't trust you to take care of yourself -- so, I am doing it for you," "Exercise is too much work," "I can't live without chocolate," "I don't deserve to succeed," "If I lose too much weight, I'll lose my friends."

4. To create a new you (a you who can withstand the challenges of the journey), you have to be fully present for the planning and implementation process.

When you engage in escapist activities; i.e., overeating, drinking alcohol, gossiping, staying too busy, people pleasing (focusing always on others); you are not present with your own thoughts and feelings -- you're not available to support and encourage your new self.

Learning to tolerate being present with your
uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is the only way you can learn to shift away from discouraging or counterproductive thoughts and become more accepting of your entire emotional palette.

5. To find your truth, your success, your peace ... you have to head toward Reality. Anything else you desire, you'll seek, but never find.

I've heard it put many ways, but the bottom line is the truth WILL set you free -- it is the key ingredient in your recipe for WLS success. You just can't solve a problem if you don't know what it really is.

Counting calories doesn't cure depression and eating protein will not keep you from over-focusing on other people's needs. When we refuse to see the truth, we stumble in the darkness.

Many of us tell ourselves a story about why we are the way we are, but those stories may or may not be based on reality. The process of finding your truth is a critical part of your journey.

WLS is not the easy way out. But there are many ingredients you can add to your WLS recipe to gently move through the psychological, emotional, and social issues that arise as you cook up your yummy life.

Over the next five weeks, I'll discuss each of these five psychological considerations in greater depth.

From Small Bites, the email newsletter for the National Association for Weight Loss Surgery. Subscribe today and get your F'REE report, How to Regain-proof Your Weight Loss Surgery at www.NAWLS.com. (c) 2010 National Association for Weight Loss Surgery, Inc. All rights reserved.

So that brings me to my question? Are you the people pleaser? the busy bee? the gossip? What do or have you done as an escape activity in the past or now?

This is perhaps the hardest part of the journey. Finding your true self. I would rather talk about what I did than tell you my true feelings about it. I am guilty of not being present with my own thoughts and feelings. What the hell am I afraid of?

Reflecting...

I've been looking at pictures from 2007, when my sis and I went to Vegas for a girls getaway. One of the more heavier moments in my life, at least in digital form. The only great thing about the plane ride was I got a first class ticket from Atlanta to Vegas due to cancellation, and then being bumped. I was supposed to meet my sister in MSP and fly out together. But I ended up in Atlanta, she ended up in Memphis, and we met in Vegas. All in all it was a great time, except when I look back and see just how BIG I looked back then. The other pic was taken about a month ago. I'm pretty much the same weight give or take a lb or two. Thank you my lovely lap band! I remember having a really hard time getting the seat belt fastened from Dayton to Atlanta, but I'll be damned if I was going to ask for an extender!

It just boggles my mind that I never could see exactly how I looked when I was heavier. Only when I got pictures taken and even then it didn't completely register. I struggle with that now, but it's getting better. Now I'm comfortably in a 10 and still feel like I need to lose about 10 lbs to look good. But the 10 sure beats a tight 28 anyday!

I've been trying to keep a journal of my eating and exercise the past couple of weeks, during the week. Then the holiday came around and 2 weeks of hard work went out the window. I started back in the mode again on Tuesday only to come home to homemade mac and cheese my hubby made me for supper. I just cringed. He just doesn't get that I try to refrain from as much as I can from pasta, breads and sugar and have asked him not to being chips home, but he does it anyway as a reward. It just feels like sabotage even though I know he's trying to be supportive. Unfortunately, he is a foodie and looks forward to every meal. Me, I've kind of lost the thrill of it all. Don't get me wrong. I love to eat. But I want to get off the last couple of lbs and stay there. I don't want it to take a year to get there.

Anyway, I did do a complete workout at the "Y" tonight since it's so darn hot out. Tomorrow - 94 degrees. And on the East, even worse. Some friends of ours wanted us to go to the Country Concert in Fort Loramie tomorrow night but we managed to bow out of that. Been there, done that many times over and the heat and humidity and crowd is not for me. I would be a wet noodle before I even got to the concert area. Besides, Brooks & Dunn aren't there due to illness, so they scrambled and got Hank Jr and Joe Nichols instead. Seen Hank years ago, wasn't that greatly impressed.

Not much cooking for the weekend. Picking up my bike at the bike shop Friday so I can add in some different exercise. And hopefully eat better since I'm going to try and limit the eating out this weekend. We went to a pool party on Monday which was wonderful! 2 other couples, both long time friends and on such a hot day - perfect! Nothing like lying on a floatie drinking a cold beverage in 90 degree heat. Now I want to be a hillbilly and stick a floatie in our hot tub and turn off the heat so I can feel the same way I did at the pool. mmm....

Getting the focus back...

After two weeks of eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and totally ignoring actually having a lapband, I've finally clamped down this week and am trying to get to goal. My little escapade rewarded me with 3 extra lbs. So Monday, cause you know Mondays are the biggest "diet" day of the week, was my day to get started. I want to blame my total lack of judgment on my oven crapping out and still not working, but hey, it's the summer. When you've got a grill, stovetop, microwave, 6 crockpots...do you really NEED an oven? So far the scale has rewarded me with 4 lbs lost this week. But we'll see how the weekend fares.

Hubby hasn't been feeling well lately. Several trips to the doctor and an ER visit and they are still trying to figure out what is wrong with him. Either he is a hypochondriac or the docs are still scratching their heads on this one. He has a family history of HBP, and some musculoskeletal issues, severe acid reflux and the like and generally has been feeling like crap for the past 3 weeks. The problem is, I don't know how to help him and the frustration is starting to kick in. I also feel some guilt because I sometimes think he doesn't always help himself where his food choices are concerned and if he's serious about trying to get this under control, he needs to follow what the doctors tell him.

On top of that, my migraines have been flaring up the last week. Hell I didn't get 1 ounce of sleep last night, even after taking my meds for it. Last weekend was a bit freaky when I instantly got a headache behind my one eye (my usual spot) and when I went to the bathroom I notice that I had a broken blood vessel in my eye. Of course it was like 11 pm on a Saturday night when it happened, so I checked online and it sounded like it isn't that uncommon, so I let it go. Scary though.

Hubby and I are staying home this weekend, or that's the plan. It feels like we've been running around so much on the weekends that by Sunday night we've totally missed relaxing and enjoying the time off work. Need a break from the go-go-go.

Hope you all have a great weekend and do something fun (for me!).

Is it apathy, fear, or what?

I'm down to my last 5 lbs. Stubborn son of a bitches. I can't say that I've been knocking my socks off trying to lose them, but I can't say I've changed anything in the way of food or exercise either. My last weight loss attempt got me within 14 lbs of my goal before I started to digress. So I'm trying to wrap my head around the reason. Not the apparent one of maybe upping the exercise etc., but if I'm afraid of getting to goal. Do I really feel so unworthy that I sabotage myself subconciously? Or am I just slacking off because I've heard a few comments that I don't need to lose anymore.

I don't have a problem accomplishing any goals I've set for myself in the past - as long as they're not weight-related. So, why do not feel the urgency now to finally get to the finishing line, so to speak?

My godchild/niece's wedding is in mid-July and I was so wanting to get to my goal by then. I've bought several dresses for the wedding so I have some choice in what I want to wear. It's more than motivation, or lack thereof, and I can't put my finger on it. Do I fear that if I get to my goal I won't be able to stay there? Or am I afraid that I'll finally realize "is that all there is? - so now what?" I've never been in the position of learning how to maintain my weight, so it would be new territory. Is that it?

Might be a question I have to raise at the next support group meeting. Can anybody relate to this?

Just call me Martha Stewart...with a bit of Paula Deen thrown in

Yesterday was my hubby's 49th birthday. So instead of taking him out to dinner as usual, he suggested we go to the prairie and hike and have a picnic. That was the plan in the morning. By 5:30 we were in the car and heading off for the hike. Well Mother Nature was a little angry last night and kicked up some ferocious weather on the way. So much so that we turned around and as we pulled in the driveway the tornado siren went off in town. By the time we turned on the TV we realized that exactly where we had been was where the rotation was...right when we were there! I didn't see any whirly gigs, but it was nasty and blew up in a hurry. Needless to say, our picnic ended up on the back porch.

After "dinner" - and I say that loosely because it consisted of cold meat sandwiches and potato chips, I decided to whip up some homemade granola bars. I saw a recipe in the Food Network magazine and I made my own version with the measurements given of various items in the recipe. Packed with protein, great source of fiber, and admittedly pretty damn good if I say so myself. I like to say they were healthy due to the Kashi cereal, oatmeal, craisins, nuts....but they also had butter, condensed milk and peanut butter in them. Tasty yes, but also packed with calories I'm sure. I gave alot of them away at work today.

This morning I turned on my workstation and got a great NSV in the form of an e-mail from the guy who owns the business next door. He just wanted to let me know that one of his employees asked him the other day who the new person in the office was next door driving the silver SUV as she was one hot chick. He told them that there wasn't anyone new and that it was me. He said he just wanted to let me know that people have noticed and that I was looking good. Love those kind of "make my day" moments. They seem to come more and more frequent. (I probably was old enough to be the guy's mother - if he had only gotten closer).

Kind of sets the tone for the whole day...sure beats the "shit rolls downhill" kind of days!