Head games...

The journey...the weight loss journey. Sometimes I feel like it's in my head every waking minute. On many levels, it helps to keep my mind on the right track to read other people's blogs and get on the forums and go to support groups and talk with my sister and sister-in-law about our mutual friend, the band. But there are times when I just want to "check out" a bit and concentrate on something else. Maybe putting my focus on the 12 people we will have over for Thanksgiving will help. With 3 of us being banded, it's more like 10 people since the 3 of us will eat about as much as 1 person.

As I mentioned before, the compliments are always great to hear, but a little uncomfortable when people start asking too many questions. I went over to Mom & Dad's last night to check up on them and the first thing is "turn around - let me see you" from Mom and from Dad "oh, your face is getting so thin, don't lose any more weight". I'm sorry but I'm really close to telling them that my weight and how I look are going to be off limits from now on. Alot of my weight issues stem from my childhood and how I perceive myself due to my parents (and others) comments. I've always been a people pleaser and for some reason never felt like I was "good enough" in the eyes of my parents, especially my father. I was always too fat or too thin or I should do this or do that. You would think at 45 years old those comments would just brush right off, but they don't - they still affect me. Apparently at 183 lbs, I'm getting too thin in my father's eyes. What!??! I just got out of the obese BMI range, I'm wearing 16's and XL's mostly and I'm too thin? And what does my face have to do with it? Geez. It's amazing how those little offhand comments really seem in your brain like they were shouted from the rooftops.

We had our support group meeting last Tuesday and it is such a great group of women. A small group, 5 or 6 usually now, but very supportive and inspiring. I leave the meeting each month with a renewed sense of purpose to lose the weight I want to lose. A local family doctor who is kind enough to allow us to meet in his reception area after work hours stayed around for our meeting and spent and hour and a half with us trying to understand our weight issues and frustrations. He is really interested in trying to heal the whole person and thought he could better counsel his patients who come to him with weight issues if he could really get an insight into our problems with food and how the band is helping us resolve those issues and how it has changed our outlook on food among other things. There was a lady there for the first time who spoke about getting banded at 450 lbs and is now around 230 lbs and she was so amazing to listen to and her personality and upbringing was something to be celebrated. I can't imagine growing up without being judged by your parents and allowed to follow whatever path you decided to choose in life and given that opportunity. She said she never allowed her weight to keep her from doing whatever she wanted in life. When she was 400 lbs, if she wanted to dance, she danced. If she wanted to do anything, she just did and had a kind of "damn the torpedoes" kind of mentality.

Growing up in a small town, hell I always liked to think I didn't give a shit what people thought of me, but when it came right down to it, I did alot of things because of what others thought of me, or what I thought they would think of me. I was the exact opposite of her. I didn't dance when I was 300 lbs, I didn't want to see the disapproving looks or hear the snide comments, so I didn't put myself out there. I sure as hell didn't get into a swimsuit, so a beach vacation was not something I really was ever interested in. My weight kept me from doing alot of things I would have liked to do, and now that I'm getting fairly close to my goal, I find it kind of ironic that when I was at my heaviest, I did my best to try and "blend in". And now, I'm doing the same thing. One of the reasons I wanted the lap band surgery was just to blend in. To be normal. To have my weight be a non-issue. But it seems when I run into people I haven't seen in awhile, it's having just the exact opposite response. On one hand, yes the compliments are great to hear, and on another, it makes me feel like I'm not doing what I want to do and that is "blend in". It's kind of messing with my mind right now. Not that I've fallen off the wagon or anything, I just find myself limiting the places I go so I don't run into people right now while I feel the way I do. It's getting back enough that everytime I see my family or my in-laws I'm hearing about it, but it's like "enough already". I just don't want my weight to define who I am. And the more I hear the comments, the more it validates that feeling that I am what I weigh. And that doesn't sit well with me.

On a lighter note, my sister is coming for Thanksgiving this year...the first time since her kids were little. Since they are both out of the house now, they decided to come for the holiday weekend. I'm really glad I'm going to be able to spend some time with her. She "gets it" - especially what I'm going through now. We are doing the whole traditional turkey, ham, and all the trimmings. I made a turtle cheesecake to go with the pumpkin pie and sugar cream pie for the desserts. (a sample of which is still in my freezer from over 6 weeks ago! - not a tempation at all). I've got a major list of things I want to get done before Thursday that should keep my busy right up until they all get to our house. It's a whole day of cooking, games, TV, and enjoying each other's company.

So for all of you out there, I hope you have a very very HAPPY THANKSGIVING and are able to spend some time with your loved ones. If you choose to indulge, remember a little goes a long way, and most importantly, enjoy the precious moments you have with everyone and take lots of pictures.

And - thanks again for letting me vent.